Sunday, August 26, 2007

When No Isn't Enough: Being Stalked

I wanted to share the experience of being stalked for the purpose of exposing how the stalker can be dangerous, how the cops usually react and the stresses the mind has. It all seems normal, but in the re-telling you can see how abnormal it really is. I was driven to desperate measures in dealing with him and am not proud of it. It took months to quit having nightmares of running and hiding from him. I have no trust left for men now nor for my traitorous heart. The caring only prolonged the inevitable separation. I am lucky that he did not inadvertently kill me. If you can learn from my mistakes, it is worth the embarassment. If you have questions or comments you may email

November of 2002: took up with Rod, a black man. As he was only to be a year or two long affair it shouldn't have been a problem. But it was. He decided to play games with me and Marsha, the mother of his children. Marsha got high and drunk on several occasions then tried to get me into a physical altercation with her. The last time she succeeded and we all ended up in jail. I put a restraining order on her.

June of 2003: dated Donti and Larry in order to get Marsha off my back. It worked until Donti went down and Larry went down the road.

July of 2003: Rod is now living with Marsha. He isn't happy and still calls every day. I think he has a romanticized version of martyrdom in his head.
Rod showed up at 11:30 last night. He wanted to have sex. When I refused he said "You'll give it to him but not me, huh." He also implied he wanted to move in with me. Made a deal with him. If he is serious about being with me he can leave Marsha and move in. He has two days to think it over. I firmly believe he will stay where he is. Between him and Larry, I have serious doubts about anyone's sincerity. I keep getting the feeling they are playing games with me. If one doesn't call the other does. I think the best thing is to call their bluff and get things done with.
Yesterday I put a restraining order on Rod. That should cure Marsha's insecurities about me. If Rod had cared who he was hurting it would have been a different story. But he thought he could set up the "two women want me bad" thing again. Same game as Larry was trying to set up with Sabrina. I tell them I'll walk first, that I don't fight over men. They either want to be with me or not. If not, that's cool. If so, then play it straight.

I remember the first time I met Marsha. I had previously met Rod while moving into the house in July of 2002. I went down the alley to ask Rod a question. I hadn't seen a woman there but did see kids. When I got there I saw Marsha and she was looking at me like I was Public Enemy #1. I wasn't aware that Rod had a girlfriend. I was taken aback so I turned my attention to the kids. But that was a wrong move too. Instead of taking it like most people do, she was more hateful. I realized I wasn't going to make any points with her so I asked my question and left.
Rod kept coming over and asked me out. I asked about Marsha. He said they hadn't been together for two years. I believed him. He forgot to mention they had an on again/off again thing. We dated here and there and had quite a few talks at my house. Most of the time he would get mad at me over something and stomp out in anger. But attraction grew between us and eventually we started an intimate relationship.
I was waiting to give Rod an item back and Marsha roared up in her car. She started yelling at me that I could have Rod as she didn't want him but to stay away from her kids. I had no clue what she meant by that. I hadn't been around them except to tell Gordy to tell Rod I would be back later. I found him later on and went to his house to talk to him. Marsha again roared up in her car. She got out and called me a bitch. She said she was going to whip my ass. I told her to bring it on and started down the hill to meet her. Rod grabbed me and drug me into the house. He wouldn't let me out until after she had gone. This was in November of 2002.

This went on until March of 2003. Rod was moving to his brother's house ostensibly to get away from Marsha but I knew it was so he could date both of us without getting caught as easily. I had taped a conversation with him about her. It was unflattering. I played it to her and she said he was saying the same about me. I had suspected as much. I let go of things but Rod kept calling and asking me to come over. I finally did but I had a lot of misgivings. One night I wanted to know if he was still seeing her. He was saying he wasn't but he kept acting suspicious. So I parked the car a few blocks away and walked to his house. He caught me and asked me in. We were talking when Marsha screeched up and started yelling. He was genuinely surprised to see her there. I had been followed going to his house and the boy had went home and told his mother I was there. Marsha became uncontrollable. I told Rod I would go so they could talk but he didn't want me to. She started attacking Rod. He would just wrap his arms around her until she calmed down somewhat. Then he would let go. This was repeated 2 times. Then she turned on me. I just stood there. I had my right arm pointed at her. I could feel both of them wondering why I wasn't moving. They saw it at the same time. Marsha was about 3 feet away when she started screaming that I wasn't going to use pepper spray on her. Rod tackled her then. He got up and away from her and hustled both of us into the house. He reported it to the police. She was told to go home.
The next incident occurred at my own home. Rod had been coming down as I wouldn't go to his house. We had just been intimate and there was a pounding at the door. He threw on his pants and I threw on my housecoat. Marsha pounded and screamed for 10 minutes at both front and side doors. I finally called 911 to get someone to get her away from the house. The neighbors were yelling at Marsha to go home. I was afraid it would give Mom a heart attack. By the time the cops got there things had gotten out of control. Marsha broke the frame on the door. She had both feet on the carpet when Rod took her back out. They landed in the hedge then rolled over to the far sidewalk. He was just holding her down when the neighbors decided they were going take that as an opportunity to beat on him. I met them with a bat. I got them chased away and Rod let Marsha up. She came at me. He took her down two more times. I found myself wishing he'd keep holding her down until the cops arrived. The fourth time he couldn't catch up to her. I still had the bat in my hand so I got in position to hit her in the shoulder. I figured I could numb one arm and deal with her more easily. I missed and hit her in the head. Just as Rod caught her again I hit her once more and also hit Rod on the jaw. Rod took the bat off me and gave it to the neighbors. He let Marsha go again. She lunged at me and caught me by the throat. A cop finally showed and took her off me. The cops weren't interested in my story or Rod's story. The only statements they took were Marsha's and the neighbors'. The neighbors told them that Rod was holding Marsha so I could beat on her. As I was being led to my transportation I yelled at Kim thank you for lying about things. One cop told me to shut up or he'd lay intimidation charges on me.

We broke things off shortly after the jail incident. I put a restraining order on Marsha. Later I put one on him but he came unglued. He violated it for the first time right at the courthouse elevators. He moved out of his brother's place and in with her. I started dating other men. But Rodney always seemed to have something to say about it. He would stop and ask me if I was on a date. He would glare at me if I answered yes. He started calling and asking about them. I knew I was in trouble. One night I was reading and heard persistent honking. I looked out and it was Rod. I went out to ask him to quit. He wanted to talk. So, I got in the truck and he took off. I was horrified. We went a few blocks then he parked the truck. He made it clear he wanted the restraining order taken off. I told him I would have it amended so he could call. That wasn't acceptable. I knew he was getting reckless and that someone would call on him over it. I knew that of the two he was more stable than Marsha and I figured their kids had better influence with him around than not. So, I had his restraining order revoked.
He started coming around again. I quit dating the other men as Rod would even stop them and talk. He was too jealous and it was easier not to be subjected to his "correctional" sex. Marsha called the cops on him. She didn't know I'd revoked the restraining order. She got angry and drove Rod's car onto the yard. So, he moved in. Marsha aggravated and agitated both of us with weird phone calls. She would catch him in public and harangue him. Rod did fine until Christmas then he wanted out. I let him go but he struck me for the first time then. He moved back in with her.
Rod only made love to me about 3 times. The rest of it was about punishing me for imagined affairs. At other times, when he wasn't living with me, he would come over whenever he felt the urge. I learned fast that I didn't tell Rodney no to sex. He would have it no matter what. If I refused him beforehand he would cause me pain He enjoyed knowing he could hurt me. I begged him so many times to let me go. He would just smile and look at me. I'd know he wasn't done with me yet. The restraining order was my biggest mistake. I paid heavily for that. In the two weeks following the revocation of it sex was extremely painful. Eventually I quit begging him and tried to learn to live with the situation.
Last night Rod tried his best to start a fight. He wouldn’t let things go. Kept harping on how he is going to concentrate on Gordy and to hell with everyone else. He tried his best to create a scene where he could justify walking out on me. He made it easy to get rid of him when he referred to Marsha’s place as home. That, coupled with his persistent talk about her, disgusts me. Last night I gave him what he wanted and threw him out of the house. Literally. But he got even. He slapped me hard enough to give me a mild concussion. Also put a few more marks on me. I’ll give him that one as I started it anyway. Put Mom on hospice. They say she is close to her time.
Need cigarettes. Go to Sinclair and after holding door for quite a few people I start in there. Rodney is there big as life. Too late to back out so sneak around the aisle in hopes of not being seen. I get behind him in the line (about 4 people back). Think I have it made. No such luck. He must have seen me come in. He turns and gives his condolences on Mom. I try not to answer as I am still pissed. He forces that issue so I answer thank you. I hope that will be the end of it. Again no such luck. He asks how I am doing. I don’t answer. I know he doesn’t really care how I am. At that point he walks over to me and gets about 5” away from me. People start looking. He asks again. I answer fine. He asks if I am having a good Christmas. He is angry at me. His eyes have a coldness in them I haven’t seen before. I reply that my Christmas is just fine. He tells me to be good. I reply it isn’t me that needs to be good as I wasn’t the one who had been out of line. He hollers back “I hear you.” He must have seen me walk in the door with a man (who I don’t know and was just being polite to and joking with) and found it necessary to warn the dude off. Everyone knew he was laying claim on me. People are now starting to get sympathetic to my situation. I am mortified. I order the wrong brand and the girl looks at me. She knows I don’t smoke what I ordered. I cover by joking that it is Christmas and I am not drinking yet. People are still looking at me with sympathy. I get my smokes and rush out. I can’t handle being pitied.
Saw Rod coming down hill from his home yesterday. Stopped by curb to avoid him. I think he saw that. Last night one of the (Rod or Marsha) made a couple of blocked calls to the house. I suspect it was Rodney cause Marsha is more persistent. I don’t know why those two can’t leave me out of their problems. I have done all I know to avoid any more hassles and they just keep it going. Rodney thinks he owns me and Marsha blames me for him being “unfaithful” to her. I am not winning this war. Avoidance and ignoring them only worsen the situation. I need a better solution.
On the 7th I was trying to shovel the walk. Got enough done to make a path. Ran out of breath so decided to salt the rest. As I went into the house Rod pulled up to the stop sign. I waited for him to go but he kept sitting at it. He then made it obvious he had seen me standing in the doorway and was waiting for me to come out of the house. He finally drove off but not after making sure I knew he was challenging me to come out while he was present. I have been trying to avoid confrontations with him. It is embarrassing and demeaning.
Rodney called from Marsha’s place late that night. He exudes caring and concern but I know he only wants to establish that I don’t have a man with me. Says he shouldn’t be at Marsha’s but..... Told me not to tell her about his calling me again. I agreed only because I sense he really wants me to so he can keep the garbage going on. He has called twice more from payphones. Not sure what his agenda is but I do know I need to be careful in my dealings with him. He has hit me once and it can only deteriorate from that.
I have installed a security system in the house. Also added call forwarding to the phone system. I can monitor the house while I am away. Have been sleeping better since. Will leave a key with Mickey for safety’s sake. Who knows who will need it when?
Weekend is coming up so unless Marsha loses Rod again it should be quiet. I hope so because I feel so unsettled with Rod keeping up the hunt.
Don’t know what to do about Rodney. He keeps calling and jealously asking about other men. I have chosen not to date right now for 2 reasons: 1 I just don’t want to and will not be forced into it like I was last time (look how that turned out) 2 I don’t trust Rodney to stay away. I think he will be down here asserting his “rights” if I do. Want to avoid that if possible.
He called from Mike’s office yesterday morning. We “discussed” his wanting to be where he is. He implies he isn’t happy there. I say if he calls it home that is where he should be. He says he wants to be friends. I say he doesn’t know how to be a friend. He says he doesn't want to force me into anything I don't want to do. But he does. Our relationship has always been about him controlling me. He hunts me when we are apart until I give in to whatever he has in mind at the time.
The weekend has been quiet. So, my scheme may be working. I think part of Rod's control game is ignoring me on weekends. Letting me know he has more important people to associate with. At least I can count on peace and quiet at some time in the week. And who knows: this may be the week it all ends and he loses interest in me.
Well, did some emotional housecleaning today. Left a message for Rod (at Marsha's) to quit calling and coming down. He called, all pseudo-caring, wanting to know what was going on and I told him to listen to the message. He called back twice more and I refused to answer. He showed up at the door about an hour later. When neighbors start peering through windows I let him in the house. I told him I didn't like being hunted. I asked him why won't he let me go. I also told him he should marry Marsha. He turned real cold at that one. Marsha caught him coming out of house and made a big scene. As usual, I am the one causing the problem in her eyes.
Sometime later she called down here with her crap. I recorded our conversation. Told her to start accepting that Rod was going to have things his way no matter who he hurt. She should accept it too. She really got belligerent then. Kind of threatened me. I called cops and reported the activities. He will go talk to both of them. Maybe now there will be some peace around here.
I deserve better than Rod has been giving me. I have tried everything to get him to let go. Maybe this will work. Or maybe I will pay even more dearly than I have been.
Yesterday I received 2 pay phone calls and one private call. Don't know what's up but this thing has to end. I talked to Rod on Friday and begged him to quit. The private call concerns me cause it is usually Marsha that does that. She is extremely unreasonable. I need to deal with that mess up there once and for all.
All is quiet on the front. Am glad but am still unable to relax. I think I am afraid Rod will try again. After a year and a half of his stalking me I am very wary of his actions. He has been silent for much longer. This may only be a respite.
Early Monday morning I received a call from Rodney. He was in the hospital. I don't know if I was supposed to run up there declaring undying love or what but I didn't. He called all through his stay there. He mentioned that Marsha was going to call me up and chew me out. I asked why. He answered that he had told her he was calling me again. I told him to tell her to go ahead. The cops say to use the trap to record the (sic) calls so I can prosecute them for harassment. It will work even with CID block. On the last call Rodney made (yesterday) I told him I didn't want him calling as long as he is with Marsha. An end needs to be put to his game playing. He is like a little kid that runs to one parent when the other won't give him what he wants. He says he wants to stay friends. He should have realized that the way he treated me before Christmas caused me to despise him. You don't run out on people when they are sick, their mother is dying and it is just before a holiday. You tough it out till the hard times are done then you leave. It is honor, respect and loyalty. Rod has none of those qualities. I don't hate him for it but I won't have that kind of person in my life. I can't afford them emotionally.
Rodney has something in mind. I am going to let him suggest it this time. He called last night to make sure I was home. I am getting tired again. I can't keep second guessing him and trying to run from him. It is too wearing. I guess I will bow to Fate and quit fighting it. It seems to be the only option left open. I hope God knows what he is doing. Rodney takes too much pleasure in hurting me in the many ways he has found. I don't want this. And I know I have to stand and face it.
Just got done talking to Rod. Something is up. He was still jealous until I told him I had went with Mike. He let slip that he had been waiting for me to come home last night. Glad we were later than I had thought we would be. Don't really want to deal with him that late. No defenses and no witnesses. I know he is working up to coercing me into sleeping with him again and I dread it. He'll get his way because my greater fear is the damage Marsha usually causes. He knows I hate my life being publicized and that I would do just about anything to avoid it. It is like watching a wreck starting to happen. You know there is no way to avoid it and that you just have to ride it out. You hope you will live through it with minimal damage. It's been almost 2 years now of this. I wonder that I am still sane.
Well, things came to a head last night. Rodney has been wanting to get back together. He called 5 times yesterday because he knew I was having Linnie over for dinner. But, then haven't we been there before? I recall he did the same thing to me when he moved in then when Marsha had a supposed boyfriend he moved back in on her. How do I know this is any different? I don't so I have to assume it is another of his games. He says I changed him but he wouldn't say how. That he missed me. I have no trust for him so why even try it again? I know me. I am hard on people when they have destroyed my trust. Rodney has all intention of making me his lover again. He won't stop until it happens. It makes me feel dirty.
Things have come to a head. On Friday, instead of waving and going on, Rod stopped his truck, backed up on my lawn and beckoned me over. I had been standing on the porch trying to cool off. Do I have a choice except to talk to him? So, I go stand by the driver door and talk to him. He kept shaking my hand and I wondered about it. I got my answer: He pulled me to the truck and kissed me. I don't know who was watching but I am sure someone was. Later that evening, Rod's kid called. Wanted to know if Rod was here. I asked why would he be? Last night Rod wanted to know when he could see me. He really means when can he (sic) me and mark his territory again. Then he said he was considering coming back to me. I told him that was fine with me. I believe that he will do as usual and that because he has permission to come back he will stay with her. I hate this indecision. I want it over one way or the other. I don't much care where he is just as long as I can gain some peace.
Called Joe yesterday and asked him to talk to Rod about not calling me anymore. He is my last avenue at getting any support at making Rod stay away from me. Even the cops are at a loss. Rod listens to Joe where he won't listen to anyone else. Joe agreed and I believe he did mention it to Rod because I got a pay phone call from a 364 number. I didn't answer it. I recall one time Rod said he and Marsha had this game they would play. Apparently it includes using another person to spice up their life. It is why I would never trust him and would never take him seriously. They need to find a new third party to use.
Received 3 private calls and 1 call from Mike cell phone. Suspect they are all Rodney related. At least he read my letter. I answered the first blocked call thinking it was Marsha. It was a man (either Joe or Carl). They said "this is from Danno." (My fictitious husband, invented solely as another defense tactic) So I know Rodney is pissed. First time I have felt fear from that direction. He'll get over it though. He didn't care about me so this should die out soon.
Catch up time:
March 12, evening time. Rod came to discuss my ultimatum. Said he wanted to talk to his kids before making a move. I said okay. As he left the house Marsha drove up, screeched to a halt and started screaming. He got in his truck to leave and she stood in the street yelling obscenities at me. Tried to call me out again. I just shook my head. She took her jacket off, threw it on the hood of her car and challenged me again. I laughed at her that time. Shouldn't have done that. She burned rubber leaving and I knew Rod was really in for it.

I went to bed and got wakened sometime later. There were a bunch of people standing on the corner of Barbara and E. Missouri. I heard my name being mentioned so I stepped out and asked what was going on. I saw Marsha standing in the street, drunk, surrounded by approximately 4 cops and some of the neighbors. Two cops came over and asked me if I knew her. I said I did and that I had a restraining order against her. They wanted to know what was going on. I said I guessed we were sharing the same man and that she must not like it. They said it needed to end. I agreed and said that was what I had been trying to accomplish. I then told them I needed to get a jacket and turned to go in the house. One followed me right in without asking permission. I retrieved my dress jacket and found 2 cops standing in my bedroom. One started right in on me. Marsha said I had been calling her house and writing her threatening letters. I didn't deny calling or writing but I did deny the threat part. I had called twice to ask Rod to get his property and once to tell him to leave me alone. I had written her a postcard to let her know that she was driving him away again. I asked her what she was going to do when that happened. One cop has a crappy attitude with me and again asks about threats. I am fed up and angry that they are still dumb enough to believe her lies so I answer that I don't threaten I just do what needs to be done when I feel it is appropriate. They reply that then I would have to deal with them. I tell them that is exactly my point. I feel insulted that she causes yet another scene and I am again the bad guy. Getting fed up with these jackasses.

Later, just as I was getting to sleep again I hear a thump. I think about it for a minute then realize I have heard that sound before. I am thinking it can't be happening again. But it had. A van was sitting in the middle of my yard. Same place as where she had, months earlier, driven Rod's car onto my yard. I call the cops to report it. In the meantime Rod calls and tells me all hell has broken loose. I reply I already know as his van is sitting in my yard. He is shocked. I tell him I have to go as the cops are here to.... do something. We hang up and the cops are more interested in where Rod is than in the van's new parking place. I tell them I don't have a clue. They persist so I swing into my "men are no-good pigs" mode. As I figured it turns them off and they can't wait to get out of here. I called Rod back and asked him what had happened. We decided he would stay the night. He arrived about an hour later. He was cut and bruised so badly I thought he had gotten into a bar fight. Not so. Marsha had done all that. She had also broke out his truck window, shattered the van window, and beat in the sides with the very bat she had turned on Rod.
Sunday (March 14) Marsha starts in again. She pulls several tricks on the phone. Rod comes back to the house and tells me she has driven the Chevy into a ditch in the alley by her house. He has to move it so the neighbors can get in to their driveways. Marsha pulls up and screams "Look who he's going home with now. We'll see who wins, BITCH". I yell at her it isn't about winning; it is about letting Rod make a choice without coercion. She tries one more time to call me out. I am ready to take her on. Rod grabs me and begs me to go into the house so he can get the car dealt with. I do as he asks.

Over the next few days she is quiet. Rod is relieved but I am suspicious. He thinks she is accepting things. I think she is cooking up a new scheme. My theory is proved out. We hear she is dating a cop. Shortly after that, one sits up the street a ways where he can see both front and side doors of the house. Rod is pissed. I am not too happy myself. I try to get a car number but can't without being obvious. I try to get a look at the cop as he drives away but can only see a silhouette. Seems he is blond or shaved closely on the head. The cop shouts something at Rod as he drives off but I can't make out the words.

Other stuff starts happening. Phone calls with hangups when Rod answers. Twice a black man has come to the house. The first time he asks Rod for some weed. Rod gets pissed, tells him there isn't any (sic) like that in this house and slams the door in his face. He accuses me of trying to set him up. He beds me and is still unable to let it go. The next time the dude shows up he acts like he came to talk to me. Asks if someone will give him a ride somewhere. Again Rod gets pissed and slams the door in his face. Rod falls for the trick. He accuses me of having an affair with him. I tell him he should know better. He keeps after me until I lose my temper. I start shouting at him and he pushes me. I slap at him. He starts to slap back and I tell him go ahead. He restrains himself that time. But he still keeps at me and threatens to leave. I tell him if leaving is what he wants then go ahead. We are still yelling when we get outside. One or the other makes another physical move and it's on again. I push his truck door into him as he is getting into the truck. He gets out, slams me up against the truck and starts slapping me. I tell him to stop it. I say something obnoxious to him after he quits and when I was walking away from him. He threw an opened beer at me. Now I smell like a brewery. I started throwing concrete pieces at him. Hit him once. He leaves and I am so exhausted I go to sleep. I wake up about 4:30 and decide to report it. It will either cause Rod to stay away or he will really get rowdy with me. I have to chance it.

This cop is not interested. I guess since I went to sleep it took away my credibility. But I am already experiencing concussion symptoms. I am seeing two of him. When he is gone I see there is not only a knot on my temple but I also have a bruise under my cheekbone. I am very pale. I know that with this HHT it is going to take a long time to heal. At 7:30 Rod comes to the house. I have thrown some of his stuff out. He gathers it up then knocks on door. I refuse to answer. He uses his key to get in. I call the cops to remove him. He leaves before they get there. When they do arrive I ask why he wasn't detained. They said a pick up and hold hadn't been put out on him. I asked why not. I didn't get a reply. I said I didn't want him in the house. They told me I had no right to keep him from it as he had to be given a 30 day notice. I couldn't believe they expected me to let a man stay with me for 30 more days when he had just proven he was capable of knocking me around. I said "Oh, he can just beat me and rape me as much as he wants for 30 more days?" The cop said have a nice day and call if I needed them for anything. I asked him what were they good for? He looked insulted. So, when Rod asked to come back I abided by what I had been told and let him in. This whole thing was embarrassing from start to finish. I didn't want people to know how badly Rod was abusing me. I am supposed to be smarter than to allow him to abuse me. As I look back I wonder how I stayed sane. It may not be rape but it was definitely coerced sex. It was also punishment sex.
I tried to get a new life started. About 10 last night Rod called and left a message. Then, later, he showed up at the door. When I didn't answer the front door he went to the side door. He said he wanted to know how I was getting along. Yeah, right. He had been drinking and toking. He had a cold look on his face. He was warning me to behave. Somehow he always knows when I want to start dating and shows up to let me know that it won't be acceptable to him. I had been talking with a man named Steve. I had to email him and let him know that I couldn't meet up with him. I probably will seem like a flake to him. So, normalcy and all the hard work I have put into trying to settle down has gone out the window. I hope it makes Rod happy because I am not. If I can just hold out against all the emotional assaults that Rod is dealing me right now, I will be fine. If I get tired of running from him again, it will be worse than before. He will be worse than before. This is why I wanted to sell the house and leave town. I know if Rod gets his way again it will be the death of my soul. I can't cope with abuse any more.
Well, if all that wasn't sickening I don't know what could be. Rod caught me sleeping and I opened the door to him. He tried his sweettalking stuff again and I played along. I knew he was trying to start trouble again and sure enough it came in the form of Marsha. She ostensibly came to get money back, as Rod had been up there this morning sweettalking her. I told her 4 times to get off my property. She kept trying to get me to fight again. Gordy got into the middle of it and also threatened me. Rod hustled me into the house and in a few minutes some cops came. Someone had called them for me. I gave a report and Rod was nervous. When we got done Rod and I came into the house. He sat there and brooded about things. He used Tasha as an excuse to get upset. Then Gordy knocked, yelled that Marsha had been taken to jail and started yelling at Rod. They almost got into it. Then Gordy threatened me again. I believe him. Rod came back in the house eventually and started in about how I shouldn't have done what I did. I told him to get out. If he wanted to side with her he needed to move back up the hill. He said I deserved whatever Gordy did to me or my property. I again ordered him off my property and told him to go. He threatened to hit me. I told him to go ahead and he'd be sitting with Marsha. He threatened me again. Said I deserved what I got. Said I wasn't worth it anyway. I agreed with that. He came back 10 minutes later after I had reported him and Gordy to the police. I called them again. About 8:35 he came back once more. I indicated I would call the cops again but I just dialed Time. He had started leaving after I punched in two buttons. I do have to commend the cops this time. They finally took me seriously. I wish Marsha would have stayed away. It would have been best for all of us. Come to think of it Rod should have taken me seriously too. I have finally hardened my heart against him.
On the 10th Rod caught up with me. Caught me napping again. Opened door without thinking. We sat on the porch and talked. End result is that he will live here again and will try to make things work. I can't break the chain between him and me so I will learn to live with him. It has proven difficult already. We were on the front porch yesterday and I said a friendly hello to a couple men looking at the house across the street. He accused me of flirting with them. I am going to have to temper my natural friendliness so as to avoid that kind of stuff. That also means a convenience store job is out. I do flirt with men there but it is part of the job.

Last Thursday or Friday, Marsha made one of her stupid calls. She has been making up stories about Gordy to get Rod to come to her house. I was upset that Rod still can't see through her tricks. So, I just got silent which made things worse. He said something and I yelled back, then slammed the fridge door. Of course the fridge fell apart. So, I put it back together then went to bed. Rod was watching TV then.

On the 18th I got a call from the Prosecutor's office. Marsha is being charged by the State for violating a protection order. I have no say in this now except to make a victim's statement and to give my own suggestion as to "punishment". I have agreed to probation and anger management courses. If she would just stay away and leave me alone it would help. But she can't get her (sic)together without some kind of "brick" hitting her in the head. Being reasonable with her does not work.
Rodney wanted me to drop the charges on Marsha but it was out of my hands by then. The best I can do is try to keep her out of jail. I am going to renew the ex parte. If I don't she'll take advantage of it and cause more trouble. We all need this settled.
Yesterday went to courthouse to put new ex parte on Marsha. Rod will be unhappy to hear of that. But, I want to ensure that she stays away from me as long as Rod is around. I think he will eventually go back to her anyway so it makes no difference what he thinks of that.
So much for not saying anything. I thought if I gave him his way and his freedom he would be content with just screwing me when he wanted. I didn't count on him harping on me over every little thing. I did nothing right, said nothing right and that small inheritance drove him up a wall. He told me one time I thought I was too good for him, called me a snooty bitch. He was mean and angry with the intention of making me cry, which he did. He enjoyed the physical pain he caused and enjoyed the bruises he put on me.

Sunday night was the last straw for me. He ran my car out of gas, didn't buy me any cigarettes and when he came back he was in a foul mood. I tried to talk to him but he just got angrier with me. Emergency vehicles went by and as I went to look out he yelled at me that he had already told me what had happened and I didn't need to see it for myself. Called me a dumb (sic). I wondered if he had been up at Marsha's with my car. We argued for a while, then he tried to apologize. I am not having any more of this. I ignored him which made him mad again. He started in on me again. I told him to go to Marsha's where he can act like an ass. Somehow he manages to slap me again. Once or twice. My ear has rang for two days. But I don't have a concussion this time.
I am fed up and just want him to go. I want him to leave me alone. I get his clothes, throw them out in the street. I glue his "dirty laundry" onto the windshield of his car. He wants it aired in public so bad ..... I make a call and on that advice I walk out to the street. I am waiting for the yard light to go off so it will be dark. Two men stop and ask if I am okay. I reply that I am perfectly fine, thank you. After they leave I point my pistol at the windshield of his car and put a bullet through it. Then I place a black rose in the hole.
Rod picked up what was left of his belongings. I just tossed them onto the sidewalk. Most of it broke. He started bitching about it and I told him that if he chooses to destroy my life I will destroy his possessions. He told me to get in the house. Like he still has a claim on me. He said he would be back to exchange keys later. I told him he won't be coming back for anything. This is it. He starts in on my marriages. Said he was lucky he wasn't one of them. I replied that I had no intention of marrying him and that I hadn't even asked him to live with me. He said something smart back and I replied I hadn't wanted his lying, whoring ass since Christmas. He really got angry then. He was still shouting obscenities as I walked into the house. The neighbors witnessed this. I have a feeling he may try to get even with me now.
Put the house back up for sale, but it will be done silently. I can't afford to let him know of my plans. In the meantime I will act as if I am intending on staying. He will be okay with that as he will still be thinking he has access to me any time he chooses
Intimidation tactics are starting again. Rod has his cousin watching me and the man that had been watching me on 4 other occasions was back yesterday morning. Tonight I received the usual "wrong number" call. I think he thinks he scares me but it just makes me mad. He needs to swallow his misbegotten pride and go on with his life. There are other stupid women out there that he can use and abuse.
Was cleaning house today and what did the vacuum pull out from under the couch? Some doobies that Rod had been toking on. It's late but there is the proof I was looking for to get him out of the house for good. Am glad he is gone because this job I have requires security clearance for the State Buildings. Can't afford to be associated with drugs, even though I myself don't use them.
Been reading my diary. Where I failed with Rod was in getting tired of running from him. I need to keep up the vigilance this time because he will be out for blood. His anger is apparent even as he drives by the house. I can't afford to let him near me again. He will definitely hurt me bad this time. He has more reason to hate me since this last break up. The worst thing about him is he broods on injustices. He believes I have wronged him by refusing to marry him and by letting the world know I didn't want him. I really need to move out of this neighborhood.
Also on Saturday, a day that was somewhat warm for a change, Junior and I was outside. It was such good timing that we were still sitting on the porch when Rod was wheeling by on his bike. Of course, he had to make a scene out of it and stopped to say a few words. I stayed neutral and answered in basic words. But as Alice suggested, this time he was off kilter. He dropped his case of beer and had a vulnerable look on his face. He was trying to figure how to get into my good graces again.
Last night at about 20:15 I was talking to Larry on the phone. A knock came at the door and I discovered it was Rodney. He said he just wanted to say hi but I know better than that. He has found out I am seeing someone and is trying to pull another power play. Larry didn't take it well. He was extremely mad. This has made me realize that I need to sell out and get out. Rod won't leave me to live my life as long as I am too accessible to him. He may not want me for himself but he is definitely not going to allow another man to have me either.
Marsha lost Rodney again. She first called on a blocked number, then a pay phone then on a cell phone.There was a man on the cell phone who insisted I knew who Rodney was. When I called the number back Gordy answered and hollered "Bitch, you don't need to be calling here." I have called the cops and don't believe they will show up. I am going to make one more call and see if anyone is sent then. Not surprisingly, Larry is no help. I may break it off with him. His style is a little too wild for me anyway.
Private number call time: 7:51 p.m.
Pay phone call time: 8:02 p.m. 238-3109
Wireless call time: 8:15 p.m. 261-7326
The cop that came was a black man. He was disbelieving at first until I gave him the knife that Marsha left months ago. (See last year's diary). He went up to their house and got hold of the cell phone. He verified that they had called here. He said they had tried to lie their way out of it. He made it plain to them that I didn't want anything to do with them or Rodney. Hopefully, they will now understand that I won't put up with their garbage.
Their games are unravelling now. Larry witnessed Rod showing up uninvited and the cop knows they have tried to instigate trouble. After almost 3 years it is time I was vindicated.
Around 14:00 yesterday I was talking with Pauline when honking got my attention. It was Rod. I hollered at him to come here. I figured it was time for us to say our final goodbyes. He drove on but walked back an hour later. He is obviously taken with playing a martyr role. Marsha is keeping him away from the love of his life. He has a delusion about having had a great romance with me. He still insists he loves me. So, why did he force me to kiss him when I made it obvious that I didn't want to? I tried to make it plain this was goodbye but he didn't accept it. He wanted this meeting to be kept secret but didn't hesitate to loudly state that he loved me as he was walking off the porch. I know someone heard it. I am not sure if this meeting was good or not.
About 12:30 yesterday Rod came to the door. He wanted to talk again. After parking his car elsewhere he came back. We went into the livingroom to talk. He had seen all the moving stuff and asked about it. Asked how I was doing. Later he decided I was dying of a broken heart caused by him and stated maybe he would die of a broken heart too. Kind of melodramatic, I thought. He kept saying how Marsha ruined our love and how he should have fought to stay with me. I kept thinking how he ruined our "love affair" and how I was glad he was gone. I let him think that he was among the men I had loved. I also refused to give him a phone number and another address. I did give in and give him a picture of me at his demand. He wanted me to sign it "with love" but I told him to assume it. That he wasn't going to trap me in another game. I think he wanted to show it off to his friends.
I accused him of playing martyr so he could get sympathy from his friends. He considered it. He said he would always love me and never forget me. I told him I believed that as much as I believed it from the other man (reference Larry). He wanted to know who and I refused to tell him. When I was firm about not keeping contact he was almost hysterical when he said he needed me in his life. Not a good sign. Until I leave this town he won't let it rest. He kept forcing me to kiss him even though he knew it wasn't what I wanted. He still has no respect for me. As he was leaving he shouted out (for the neighbors' benefit) that he loved me and always would. I didn't say anything. I can't do the Rodney thing anymore either. I need positive energy to fight my illnesses. Negativity is not an option.
Rod stopped by last night, drunk and wanting to talk. He apologized for his bad treatment of me. Surprisingly, I felt I could give it. I told him that he could now go on with his life. He asked about my life and I bluntly told him it wasn't good. I told him about being newly diagnosed with unstable angina and it actually reinforced his belief that I was going to hell in a handbasket because I missed him. He said I needed him to take care of me. After an hour he got to the point: he wanted me to come back to him. I told him I wouldn't have him back. When he got angry I told him it was nothing personal, that I had learned my lesson about men. That they would always walk out on me when my chips were down. Just as he did Christmas 2003 when I put my mother on hospice. He sure didn't want death ruining his Christmas.
I also pointed out that I felt he had real love for Marsha and not me. That too made him angry and he started yelling that I didn't need to tell him how he felt. I got the impression that a lot of people are doing the same thing to him so I apologized and backed off.
He said he had talked to his mother about things. She hit the money on the mark when she figured I had feelings about him. What she didn't know was that I won't act on them because too many times Rod has proven he prefers to be with Marsha and that I am just a pawn in his game. I can't trust what he is telling me now any more than I could then. He doesn't want me but won't let go either. Keeps me in limbo, but will never commit to a true honest, loving, caring partnership. I am better off being alone.
As Rod was leaving he gave me an ultimatum: be with him for the rest of my life or be alone. I can't take this as seriously as he would like me to because he came to me drunk and still living with Marsha. I feel if he had been sincere he would have come to me soberly and with a clean break with her. I think he is only being dramatic again. Or trying to cover his bases so he won't be left alone.
Starting to get a grip on things again, I think. However, Rod is being true to one thing he has said: that he won't let go until I am gone from here. He has been honking every morning when he goes to work. His mother will receive her letter today. Hope she can convince him to let it go. Apparently what I say isn't enough for him.
Rod came over last night asking a strange question. He wanted to know if I had turned him into Child Services about child support. My first thought was why would I care about it? After he had explained about DNA tests and a monthly payment amount being set by the judge I realized Marsha had instigated that but didn't have the nerve to own up to it. Instead she blamed it on me. I asked Rod what else I had done that I didn't know about. He didn't answer that one. I told him if I could say one good thing about him it was that he does support his kids. It just will never be enough for her. By that very act, she has divorced him in her heart and he doesn't even realize it.
He is trying to rope me into his life again but it doesn't feel like it is out of love, as he insists it is. It feels like he wants to get revenge or just keep haranguing me until I get out of here.
Rod came here to talk. He was fairly sober and drug free. He said he had quit Mike. He is starting to realize that Marsha is going to kick him to the curb. He talks about how happy he was and I was remembering how miserable I was when we were together. He also said his mother jumped his shit for hurting me so badly. But she is still pushing for him to get together with me.
On the 10th Rod showed up in the afternoon. He had been drinking heavily. He seemed ill at ease and didn't stay long. Kept trying to get info out of me about my life. I just lied to him about most everything. I think he is trying to get Marsha to throw him out so he can say he didn't voluntairly leave his kids. The same game he used to play with me.
Went to the house yesterday with Alice. As we were about to leave Rod showed up. He was extra nice for Alice's benefit and kept asking about my health. I replied I was fine. He wanted to know if he could stop in from time to time and I told him no, which in his book actually means yes. I imagine he will do as he wants just as he has done all along. I don't think I will be able to get rid of him as easily as I would like to.
Speaking of limbo, Rod struck again. When I got to the house yesterday I found the 402 mailbox open. Inside was a rose. I guess Rod is changing his tactics now. Instead of forcing me to his will he is trying to romance me. I don't understand the man. In his book "no" means yes and "yes" means yes. I called Larry Mayhew just to ensure that Rod was who the rose came from. He hostilely informed me I was the one who dumped him and he is respecting my request for him to not bother me.
On the 10th I will have my hernia repaired so I can breathe easier. I have been put through the mill with medical tests trying to find out what is wrong. I finally have an answer. I had Interstital Lung Disease which went undiagnosed for so long (thank you, doctors, who told me I was making things up for attention) that I now have COPD. I knew I shouldn't have worked the road job and the firewatch job on the H2S plant in 1988. Have been sick with bronchial infections ever since then. They say life expectancy is 5-7 years after diagnosis. We'll see.
1800 hours. Rod showed up at the door. Wanted to know how my health was. Told him the truth. He said he knew he had hurt me and would I forgive him. As we had been there before I didn't answer him one way or another. I did tell him he wasn't able to hurt me any more.
He tried to be friendly so I told him I figured he was here looking for gossip or a way to piss Marsha off. Of course he denied it. One of the neighbors across the street made sure to listen to our conversation. Don't know if that was for his own benefit or for mine.
Rod had also been by Jean's house and was waving at her like she was an old friend. She was very unhappy about it so I have decided to let him talk to me on the porch. He will leave her alone then.
About 18:30 Rod showed up. It was kind of confusing about what he wanted. He would say that he still had hope for us then he would deny that's what he meant. He keeps talking of love and how sorry he is he hurt me. Told me Marsha has said I have been writing him and phoning him. I think her day will come soon. I am sick of her and her mouth. She needs corrected. Told Rod if anyone had anything to say they could come to 404 E. Missouri and I would show no mercy. Let him know I am not putting up with their bullshit any more. I am sure the story will be corrupted before nightfall.
The only thing I feel is...nothing. He can't hurt me any more. Neither can she. Mentally, anyway. Physically, it is another story.
Rod showed up about 2100 hours last night. As Rod was sitting there Marsha drove around the corner and caught him. She instantly got out of her car, walked halfway across my lot and started yelling at us. She called me a whore, a slut and kept demanding I go find my own man to sleep with. I told him to get her out of here. She eventually threatened to have me killed. Strange thing is our conversations have consisted of me telling him he looked happy enough with her and why didn't he just stay there and leave me alone. I still don't know if he does it to get her attention back onto himself or if they plot these events together to spice up their sex life.
Rod didn't have the backbone to stand up for himself and went home with her. However about 15 minutes later I could hear them coming down Missouri Avenue. He was telling her she wasn't going there and that he would call the cops. He must have kept grabbing her to get her to stop because she got violent with him and slugged him 3 times before he protested. I could hear her fists hitting him and called the cops myself on both of them.
As the cops knew I had a knife with me I became Public Enemy Number 1. I felt justified as I'd had surgery a week and a half ago and my stitches haven't dissolved yet. I wasn't going to let her get her grubby paws on me. She has attacked me on 3 other occasions in the past. The cops reacted with fear and disrespect. They took her side and started in on me (probably cause she can work up tears). I told them to get off my case as I was the one who had called them. They kept wanting to know if I was screwing Rod. When I finally answered that I wasn't, that he wasn't that good anyway they were satisfied. Rod may have felt embarrased but Marsha will come off looking as what she really is: A pathetic, fat, ugly woman with no redeeming qualities to attract a man.
My knife got confiscated and I was informed it would be put down for destruction. I shrugged it off and one smartass cop remarked "Who cares, there's more where that came from, right?". I kept my mouth shut. Of course, even knowing Marsha is on probation, the cops let her off easy once again. She is out of control and thinks she is above the law. The way the cops treat her reinforces her thinking.
Late last night Rod was standing at my porch when I came home from Michael's ball game. He kept trying to get me to tell him I loved him. I kept getting the feeling there was more to come. I try to tell him he is being unfair to Marsha (much as I despise her) but finally lost patience when he kept saying she didn't know how much I meant to him. I told him she knew too well that she couldn't keep him without blackmail and violence. That she hates me because I push him away and he keeps coming back anyway. He always asks if I am dating. When I reply I don't want a man in my life he asks if I am including him too. Of course I am. I made a fatal mistake by telling him how poor my health is. An unhealthy woman (unable to defend herself?) is more attractive than one who is healthy and will keep track of his activities. He finally decided to go home and as he was leaving he coerced me into kissing him. Today, stone cold sober and just coming home from work, he stopped Marsha's car in the street, and talked for a few seconds. If he is doing this sober as well as drunk or high, I am in big trouble. He shows no signs of letting go or even of trying to. He needs my presence in spite of my attitude toward him. I talk to him to give him that much because he leaves my friends alone then.
The stalking sites warn that if I totally ignore him he may turn even more violent than he has been. They also state what has already been proven to me: that a restraining order will only piss him off more than he is. He feels as if he has nothing to lose at those times. He kidnapped me when I put one on him a few years ago and wouldn't let me go until I promised to have it removed. I can't decide if he is doing this to get even with me or if he just wants to show his friends that he can control me in spite of everything. Or if he really does have a sick need for my presence in his life. I remember one time when I was trying to sell out and move he said "What will I do then? I have to have you in my life!"
Rod is building up to some sort of demand. He is just trying to figure an angle to coerce me with. On the other hand, Marsha is the same way with him so that may be the checkmate I need. That too gets me in the path of violence. She has to blame me because she can't admit she is so disgusting that no on wants to be around her. Either way, I don't see myself coming out a winner. I'll just play it by ear and hope for the best.
I had been babysitting earlier and when he'd driven by Jean's house he yelled "Hey, girl". The kids wanted to know if I knew him. Then they wanted to know if he wanted something from me. I told them more than I was willing to give.
About 18:30 Rod showed up. He gave me a note, which I still have even though he tried to take it back. It said to meet him at the old school grounds at 7:30. I was torn between 3 scenarios:
1- Meet him for the reason stated in the note?
2- Meet him so he and Marsha could trap me and beat on me?
3- Meet no one so he and Marsha could have access to the house without my presence?
I called Alice and told her what was up. I asked her to call the police if I hadn't called her back by 21:00 hours. I sat at Brewer's place for about 15 minutes to observe any activity at my house and nothing happened. I went by the old school grounds and no one was there so I returned home. Rod showed up within 10-20 minutes.
He kept on about how he can't get me alone so we can have a "good talk in the open air". That he was tired of the violence and how she isn't going to stop him from talking to me when he wants. He had been wanting inside the house and I haven't offered that. He finally said he had to go to the bathroom. He didn't leave the house but sat on my bed. He said the usual things about how he misses me and how he should have put me in my place last year when I forced him out of the house. He said he really shouldn't be angry with me but that he was.
He kept kissing me and asking how I felt about him. I tried to tell him once again that as sick as I am I don't have an interest in a relationship with anyone. He is convinced that because I don't fall into bed with him there is another man in my life. When I finally just simply said I was tired he left and went home. He will be back when the pressure gets too much again. Probably about two to three weeks time.
Last evening the neighbor's daughter came over to use the phone. Doesn't anyone here understand the words "Leave me alone"? This after I had specifically told the mother that she, her relatives and boyfriend weren't to set foot on my property. Knowing it was a ploy to get my phone number I slammed the door in her face after I told her NO.

Well. Just had a run in with a dude in a big car. He keeps stopping in the street and glaring at me. I usually glare back. This is the third time he has done this to me and as I was having a bad day I motioned him to "get it on". I know he is connected to Rod somehow but can't figure how. The dude parked down the street and went into Victor's dad's house. Jean was watching my irritation and told me to stay in the house.
Just got the word: the dude is Rod's brother. How did I find out? I asked Rod when he stopped by to try and force his air conditioner on me again. All this pseudo-caring is getting on my nerves. So, now the question is this: Is Nathan doing this because I supposedly treated Rod so badly or is this another of Rod's control measures? I can't tell his lies from when he is actually telling me the truth. He appears innocent but there are too many coincidences. If I go out at night he knows it. A few times he has been waiting for me to get home. He has friends and relatives throughout the neighborhood and I don't know who minds their own business and who doesn't. I've pretty much quit talking to any of them to protect myself. And I start to question if I am being paranoid or just reacting to feeling threatened. Maybe some of both?
Is Rod as aggressive and punishing as I think he is? Would he really talk his friends into spying on me? Does he appear after harassment by his friends to me because he wants to see my reaction or is it really coincidence? He has said a few things that doesn't set well with me. Examples: "I have to have you in my life." "I should have put you in your place and not let you force me out of the house." "You want him, too?" (after I had just waved a hello to a stranger, being the friendly Westerner that I am) and my personal favorite "Your opinion doesn't count." He shows up at night, in the day time, any time he wants. He is obvious and wants his girlfriend to catch him. I dread the showdown that is inevitable. I dread the aftermath of the fights, the cops sneering, my rights being trampled on by all of these people.
My friends say trophy. He says love. His girlfriend says poaching. The cops say slutdom. I say I really wish I drank. I could use a good drunk if only to forget my sorry life for a while.
(See phone logs) Rod called at night. In the course of the conversation he stated that it was good to be talking with me again. I asked him if I'd really had a choice in it. He proudly replied no. He also said that as long as I lived in this town and as long as I am alive he will be a part of my life, no matter what. He is getting more aggressive. I am not in good enough shape to keep dealing with it. I'll end up giving in to him just for a short period of peace. Then it will get worse.

In spite of all my hopes(?) Rod is still at it. He is becoming more bold now that the time for the RO to expire is nearing. What will it take to get him out of my life? Nothing has worked so far and I am tired of dealing with him. I received 2 calls on my cell phone which were diverted from my home phone. The first was Unknown (my cell phone does not register Private Callers). The second I answered and told the person we weren't going through the bullshit again. Last night I got a call late at night. Didn't answer it but the answering machine kept beeping so I had to clear out the message center. It was from his sister's house. In light of that I printed out a log and am copying it onto the next page. What is wrong with that man that he can't let things go?
What is so important that he thinks he needs to talk to me? He called from the payphone on the triangle of King Hill and Lake Avenue last night. I am just so sick of those people. Let It Go.
Have what might be termed good news. My out-of-town friend called and let me know that he had a friend who had a friend up here who talked to Rod and told him he would be "unable to work for a few months" if he didn't leave me alone. This happened on Monday and it is Tuesday now. So maybe it will all work out. Especially since the RO expires today. If it doesn't work then I am to let my friend know and he will have it taken care of.
It is strange in a way cause I used to tell Rod that "I had a crew that handles my heavy work". It was just a way to keep him in line but he may refer back to that and believe it to be true now. As my friend says, if he doesn't respect what I say and what the law says then he will more than likely respect what his peers say.
We'll just have to wait and see.
Haven't heard a word so am assuming it worked. I am going to archive this and hope I don't have to start a new diary of his activities.